Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is my gift to your gina
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
