Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
