I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
