i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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