i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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