yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
