I seem to have left my pride at pride
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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