I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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