There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
