my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
