pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We are all done wearing pants today
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