I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
