I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
