thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
