What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
