I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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