it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
