I wish my penis had an off switch
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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