Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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