sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
