how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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