im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
