mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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