Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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