Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
