i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
