She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
