ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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