we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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