tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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