I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
