It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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