I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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