Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
