How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
