now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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