Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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