I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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