Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
