I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
