Betty ford says i'm here all night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
How external is "for external use only"?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
