Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
