R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
