I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
