Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
