Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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