Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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