Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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