can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
