I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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