Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
