Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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